jacnessity

Typically, i would have my haircut with my mom at House of Lord's or at this Korean hairdresser downtown. Today, my mom decided to go to the Korean hairdresser because we haven't been there in a while. I have had no problems with the Korean hairdresser because in the past, she was able to cut my hair well enough to last for about 8 months or so. She was the first hairdresser to cut my hair super duper short and i like it so i didn't really complain when my mom said that she wanted to go back to her.

After today's haircut, that idea completely changed. Besides being somehow scolded for not wanting to use the hair iron thing, my bangs look really really horrid. Partially, it's my mom's fault too, but still...

This horrible haircut is the catalyst of the many steps for me to GROW UP! Next time, i'll just get a haircut at House of Lord's and stick with it. They've been consistently giving me good haircuts and they respect my wishes if i don't want the hair iron to be used.

Ending on a positive note, all i can hope for is that my hair would grow faster than usual so that it doesn't look as bad as it does right now. I'm quite happy that i'm just going to be staying home the next couple of days because i need to study for my final exams for next week. Perhaps staying up late would also help my hair grow faster... hmm...

Currently feeling: aggravated

As a planner, i feel quite sad because i can't seem to find a job that suits me knowing that i will only be available to start work in June. I feel quite frustrated. I also can't seem to concentrate on the immediate future - studying for my finals. I have to FOCUS!

Should i continue applying for jobs now even if i won't be available until June and that i'll be out of reach (because i'll be overseas) for the entire month of May?

Help! :O

Methinks of Queen's song, Under Pressure:

Pressure pushing down on me 
Pressing down on you no man ask for 
Under pressure - that burns a building 
down 
Splits a family in two 
Puts people on streets 
It's the terror of knowing 
What this world is about 
Watching some good friends 
Screaming let me out 
Pray tomorrow - gets me higher 
Pressure on people - people on streets 
She been around 
Kicked my brains round the floor 
These are the days it rains but it never pours 
People on streets 
People on streets 
It's the terror of knowing 
What this world is about 
Watching some good friends 
Screaming let me out 
Pray tomorrow - high higher 
Turned away from it all like a blind man 
Sat on a fence but it don't work 
Keep coming up with love but it's so slashed 
and torn 
Why - Ooooh 
Insanity laughs under pressure we're 
cracking 
Can't we give ourselves one more chance 
Why can't we give love that one more 
chance 
Why can't we give love 
Give love give love give love give love 
Give love give love give love 
Love's such an old fashioned word 
And love dares you to care for 
The people on the edge of the night 
And love dares you to change our way of 
Caring about ourselves 

This is our last dance 
This is our last dance 
This is ourselves 
Under pressure 
Under pressure 
Pressure 

Currently feeling: frustrated

I was just having this conversation about public speaking skills with a couple of people (Leanne and Kat) who went to the same Philippine high school (ICA) as i did. Throughout our conversation, i was thinking about my public speaking skills' growth and development.

As i was looking back, i just realized how i hated public speaking. I realized that the presentation sessions, speech classes, the dreaded fourth year "talumpati", and even reciting, was a struggle for me. Even after i graduated from high school, i wasn't confident speaking in front of a large audience. Moving to Canada and the experiences i've gained here have helped me be better at public speaking.

Where did i gain experience? 

1. Work = I realize that being an immigrant, i had to bolster my confidence. I am grateful for my first job, working as a cashier at Centreville. For 3 summers, i had to put on a cheerful face and provide people, Canadians and foreigners, the best service i possibly can give. Best customer service involves a lot of communication - in ENGLISH! I am grateful for this experience. I still remember that i came in 30 minutes late for my job interview and i wasn't even speaking much during the interview process, but Centreville hired me. During the first year, i was one of 2 runner-up rookie of the year for the cash department, then i won another award in my second year then in my third year, i won the customer service award. It was definitely an amazingly great learning experience. Throughout my other work experiences, i was also given an opportunity to interact with people in the various companies i worked for but it was in different levels, but my first job was really memorable. 

2. Volunteering = As i was looking for places to volunteer, i found Asian Community AIDS Services (ACAS) and i started being part of their youth program. I have to say that being part of ACAS has truly been a great learning and growing process as i was able to learn about a different side of public speaking - speaking to an audience. As a volunteer for ACAS, i was able to do a workshop, chair meetings, and even speak on behalf of the organization for a couple of events. Besides this, i was able to do some tabling events which proved to be beneficial for my other jobs on campus, and network with other members of various organizations. Volunteering for ACAS truly made me work outside of my comfort zone. I am truly grateful because ACAS was such a welcoming environment that they were able to help me grow as an individual and a member of the community.

3. University = Particularly during my last year of university, i have realized that we've been doing quite a number of presentations for different courses. I'm quite grateful to have this because it helps me find more practice in presenting in front of my peers. I am also grateful for the support of my classmates and professors. Besides being a student, work-study positions have greatly helped me in public speaking. I remember being part of the Health Promotion Team. We had to have at least one event a month for our team. I created the sandwich board and we would randomly talk to people about backpacks, HPV and even sleep. Looking like a dork with a huge board, helped me be more comfortable with myself. I also remember working for the Continuing Education Students' Association of Ryerson (CESAR) and the Centre for Development and Employment Centre (CDEC or the Career Centre). These two places made me learn how to speak to a large crowd because of class talks. In doing so, i would do a talk by myself for 5 minutes to a an audience ranging from 15-100 students. On a lucky day, i would do it with a partner. These job experiences have definitely helped me learn to be concise, organized, and somewhat entertaining. I am quite grateful for these job opportunities on campus because they have greatly helped me speak in public better even if they the work is not directly related to my field. 

Despite gaining experience and feeling more comfortable speaking in public, i have to admit that i still get nervous when i'm on the podium/stage. I can't help it. I suppose i still need to keep on practicing until i get it all right! :) 

Currently feeling: reflective

I realize that i've been able to handle a 6-course load with a job, job applications, a work study position, and crazy busy volunteering hours about a year ago. 

What has changed this year? Why am i so stagnant? Why am i so uninspired and lethargic? Why am i in this odd situation?

Sometimes, i would wish that i could change my eating habits to reflect a change in my work habits, but i can't. Sometimes, i wish that i could just sleep then magically wake-up and find myself back to my "old" self. I wish that i can just put myself in that old frame of mind that i was at during that time... 

I honestly don't know what's wrong with me... I think i need help. Maybe i'm pressuring myself too much? I have no idea. :(

Many nights (and mornings and even subway or bus ride sessions), i pray for enlightenment, for that extra push, for the Jac that was.

Life has changed, i admit, but why am i in this state of stagnancy. Why am i throwing away all these blessings?

Dear God, please help! 

Besides my little emo session, what am i facing next week?

• Research paper literature review paper. What's even more fun is that i have to re-think my topic since my initial topic was rejected!
• Recipe for a course that i have. I'm not too fussed about this. I reckon i can finish this by tomorrow morning. 
• Co-op paper. Yes, i was bad. I haven't worked on it yet! I've tried though (believe me, i have... several times too!), but my brain is just sputtering like mad crazy.
• Couple of workplace inspections. Getting into the groove of the new work study position... 
• Program creation... a start... an action plan!
• Gym time crunch time. The CIBC Run for the Cure is next week and i'm still quite out of it. Dear God, please help. On the flip side, i'm quite thankful for people who've helped me reach and exceed my donation mark! :)
• Midterm studying. Got 1 midterm coming up next Monday. :(

Currently feeling: stressed

Last year of university - 3rd week - i'm already stressed. 

I don't usually let stress affect me, but i suppose that the impending thoughts of graduating and finding a full-time job thereafter is taking its toll on me. 

What am i stressed about?

1. Doing well this last year.
2. Finding a job in my field that i'd actually enjoy after i graduate.
3. Being able to pay my student loan just before the government starts charging me the ridiculous interest.
4. Being able to move-out and live on my own in a different province - yes, that is the plan!
5. Fulfilling my responsibilities with a new work-study position.

If you think about it, i shouldn't really stress-out too much, but i really can't help it.

I have to sit-back, re-organize, plan and just DO IT! Seriously, i just need to move my bum and actually get 'er done!

Another thought that's looming in my head that's sort of helping me get through: If God provides everything for the animals and plants, then what more for me, a human being made in the image and likeness of God, right? Also, God knows what is best for me, if things don't go exactly the way i have it planned, i know there's going to be something BIGGER AND BETTER for me out there. 

Right now, i'm just thanking Him for all the blessings i've been receiving. Also thanking him for the stresses in my life because these things make me feel more alive and they build character. Another thing that i'm doing is that i'm going to do my best to also cast my cares on Him... Hopefully, in doing so, i won't be too crazy, grumpy, and stressed-out. 

Got to work-out more... ENDORPHINS. Got to pray more... SPIRITUAL STRENGTH. Got to DO MORE!!! 

Currently feeling: stressed

Haven't really written much because of the following reasons:

• computer crashed (again!) so i don't really have much access to the internet
• life took a hold of me so didn't really have much time to actually sit down, be still, think, and write

Anyway, what am i writing about?

Detox - The Master Cleanse

Background Info: 

Heard the cleanse from Kris. She wasn't able to link me to a site about it, but i got curious and actually Googled it up at work in one of my off times. After finding a bit about it, i wanted to know more and i was feeling a bit gung ho about doing it all so i went to a bookstore after work and bought Peter Glickman's Lose Weight, Have More Energy and Be Happier in 10 Days. After reading more about it, mulling it over, and talking about it with a friend, i decided that... hey, it's a good time to do the cleanse... why?

• I won't get a gazillion questions from mom and dad because i'm currently living on my own.
• I don't have to be tempted by mom's home-cooking.
• I don't have to be tempted by friends who constantly invite me out for dinner - I love my TO friends! Haha :)
• I won't get deterred by people from doing this because i'm actually far far far away.
• It's the long weekend so i can start-up the cleanse with less stress to go out, perform my daily duties, etc.
• Got to save up a bit of money so this would be a money-saving deal as i spend a LOT on food.

What Is It?

It's a 10-day fast. I can't eat for 10 days straight or until i've got a pink tongue. I basically drink this lemonade maple syrup cayanne pepper and non-fluoridated water mix whenver i get hungry. In the morning, i have to drink this salt water and non-fluoridated water mix. Before i go to bed, i drink senna tea (a laxative) to help me go.

This fast would essentially detoxify my body from all built-up toxins that have been stored in my fat cells due to all the processed food that i've been consuming (North American diet...bah!).

A couple of websites provide more information about this though so if you'd like to know more, here are the sites:

• http://therawfoodsite.com/
• http://www.justcleansing.com/mastercleanse.htm

Why Am I Doing It?

A couple of reasons:

• Cleansing my system. I want to purge it from all the nasty gaseousness i've been getting a lot of lately. I reckon, it might be a build-up of the bad things i've consumed in the past, or that my body is telling me to make a change despite eating healthy.
• Challenging myself. I love food, and i consider this an interesting challenge that would benefit a fresh start. I can't wait until i finish the cleanse and actually start craving raw fruits and vegetables.
• Getting mental and spiritual clarity (or so i hope). If Jesus was able to fast for 40 days in the desert, i can do this 10 day fast. He was tempted by the devil 3 times, and i'm guessing i'll be tempted even more times, but i reckon i can do it. I shall stick to my goal (it's only 10 days!) and offer each day that i actually survive to a cause.

Day 1 Final Thoughts

The day is ending. I was able to survive it. This morning, i had a lot of bowel movements because of the salt water flush. I've been using the toilet a lot, which isn't so bad as i was stuck at home most part of the day anyway. Also started on building this puzzle that i bought about a month ago or so. Besides using the washroom constantly, i'm feeling a-ok. Didn't feel hungry. Did have headaches, but that's primarily due to my clogged nose. I've got the start of the flu, but either way, i am feeling better today than how i felt like yesterday night. Been sleeping a lot too (primarily because of the flu). Body is recuperating, but so far, i'm good. Not grumpy.. not irritable... just... alright.

Offering for Day 1: My Go-e (my mom's sister). Hope she's feeling better.

Expenses Thus Far (approximation):

•  
  •  
    • $6.90 for 10 lemons (used about half of that) - would have to buy 10 more come a day or two
    • $4.00 for 8 gallons of water (drank that much today) - would have to buy more come a day or two
    • $2.00 for cayanne pepper
    • $23.00 for a large bottle of Grade B maple syrup (organic)
    • $6.00 for senna tea (Smooth Move)
    • $6.00 for a bag of Celtic Sea Salt

So i guess, i would have to spend an extra $10 for the next couple of days or so. :P I haven't been very good at keeping track of these expenses as i'm doing the cleanse with someone else so my apologies for the approximations.

Tune in for Day 2! :P

Once again, the working-out bug, specifically the cardio work-out bug, has bit me and i'm itching like mad crazy. I'm itching for another...

• hamstring-hurting spin class
• endurance-enhancing run
• choreography-challenging step class

I used to hate using the treadmill, and now i actually look forward to getting on one. There's a sense of calm in running at 5.5 mph for 30 minutes. There's a sense of accomplishment in giving that extra push when my body hits that 25 minute mark... that extra push to go further because it's just another 5 minutes. No biggie! :)

Can't help it. Everytime i get my co-op term, working-out just comes in so naturally... specially at workplaces that do value their employee's health and safety.

Kudos to awesome companies who value these things!!! I wish (oh so much) that after i graduate, i can find a company that does value its employees' health and safety! *prays hard*

Love endorphins. Love feeling the blood rush through my veins. Love getting drenched in sweat, then showering thereafter. Just... ah... love working-out. :)

Currently listening: silence
Currently feeling: accomplished

I know i haven't updated lately. I have to admit... i've been caught up with the real world, that i haven't found the time to write. Apologies to interested folks. Will be doing the update now. :)

Interesting things i've done last week and this week:

1. Watched a puppet show, "The Tooth Fairy" at the Vertigo Theatre last Friday with Anna. It was a kid's puppet show and i didn't know that Anna hated puppet shows and theatre-y stuff, but i surprised her with 2 tickets for that particular show. I liked it though.. made me feel like a kid. The story wasn't entirely great, but the set and the puppets were wicked awesome. :)
2. Ate at the River Cafe with Kris, Kris' mom, and Stef. It was just GOOOD FOOOOOD. :) The dessert was the main highlight of it all. I had this wild rice with spongecake and blueberry jam thing. Stef couldn't finish her orange creme brule so i had more of that too. Tsk tsk. It was also awesome walking around with Kris and her mom at downtown Calgary. Good times. :)
3. Discovered a good Korean restaurant with Aradhana, another co-worker, onThursday. Need i say more? :) I was just brimming with joy! :)
4. Had this crazy beer sampler with Kris at Brewster this Friday. Oh, the joys of being Asian and our low tolerance to alcohol. We didn't finish the five  ounce samples that we picked from Brewster's own brewing facility. Sad :( Good stuff though. :)
5. Made pizza, from scratch!, with Stef. Wow... it was a major success! I made a pesto pizza with artichoke hearts, spinach, sundried tomatoes, anchovies, and 3 kinds of cheese (parmesan, mozarrella, and crumbled feta). The cheese completely covered the toppings so the cheesey layer was insaney thick. The pizza also had a cheesey crust. Hmm.. Healthy thing about it = it's made with whole wheat APF! :)
6. Watched Pen-Ultimate Cabaret Scandal-Us show as part of the Calgary International Spoken Word Festival with Kris on Saturday + a sleep-over! It was AAAAMMMMMAAAAAZING and it was worth walking under the crazy wet snow on Saturday. I still remember certain lines from such great poets: Sini Anderson (love as hard as you can!), bill bessett, Regie Cabico (Filipino guy who made me laugh soo hard that i was crying!),  T. L. Cowan, Baby Dee, Geg Kramer, and Michael V. Smith. It was hosted by Billeh Nickerson who's from Toronto. The lace, the Big Secret Theatre at Epcor Centre reminded me so much of Buddies in Bad Times!!! Even the content of the play and the audience watching the show reminded me of shows from Buddies... i got a bit homesick. :P Ohh.. Toronto!
   

Super grateful for people here... Anna, Stef, Kris, and a new addition... Aradhana... I also thank my roommate, Puja (although i didn't mention her in this entry). Thanks to them for the fun and crazy times. :)

So sad that the latter 2 are leaving about 2 weeks from now :(

Hope to see them both sooooon!!!

On a flip side, when i was talking to my parents, they kept on saying that i should buy a vehicle when i get to Toronto. I was like.. NO WAY! Instead, my mom told me that i should buy a house when i get back. I have no idea where that came from... seriously... A HOUSE??? On my own??? What the heck? I reckon my mom was just tired... but i was happy to chat with her and my dad (who kept on asking me and forcing me to buy a car/van/suv :P). :)

I do not know what my parents are thinking of now... first, they ask about my love life (how it's non-existent) and now they ask about me purchasing a car or a home... uh, don't know what to say. I have to graduate from university, pay OSAP, and find a stable job first, man! :P

Either way... i'm HAPPY... :) Happy and bittersweet and kind of kicking myself in the bum... but, hey.. things happen for a reason and we all live and learn. Life is still good. Thank God! :)

Currently feeling: optimistic

Haven't been updating much lately because there isn't really much to update about. My life revolves around the following:

• working
• making meals for the next couple of days
• buying ingredients/groceries for the next couple of days
• talking to my parents every weekend (maybe a weekday if i'm feeling a bit lazy dazy)
• eating-out with good company on weekends
• walking around and exploring the city
• reading
• watching random things online
• playing the ukulele
• doing chores
• going Church on Sundays
• working-out... started with P90X again!!! :) Day 1!!! Wish me luck! :P
  

Soo.. yeah, pretty predictable.. I'm content. I'm loving the simple lifestyle to a point that i even feel happy about little joys such as:

• getting good foodie deals when i go grocery shopping
• discovering amazing restaurants/touristy spots
• being able to play a new song with my uke
• being able to have a fun chit-chatty day with good company
  
• being able to create yummy and healthy foodie creations
• consuming yummy and healthy foodie creations :)
• enjoying good-weather days
• enjoying sleeping-in on weekends
• enjoying sleeping late on weekends *vicious cycle, i know*
• sleeping early and waking-up early on weekdays *funny, ey?*
  

Until today.. my mom just dropped that LOVE LIFE bomb on me. I wasn't expecting that at ALL.

Is that a sign?

I flipping have no idea, but it scares me.

Now, i shall continue reading Fight Club! It's getting to the interesting bits! :) Hmm.. :)

Currently listening: the sound of the wind
Currently reading: Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk
Currently feeling: weirded-out+excited!

Since i love talking about food and such, i'd like to share somephotos of my lunch for tomorrow... kimchi fried rice (using brownrice!), with tofu, grilled yam, and broiled broccoli.

Here's the top view...

and here's the view from the side of my glass lunch box...

Can't wait to consume it tomorrow. Yummmmmy. :)

Currently listening: La Roux's Tigerlily
Currently reading: tons of procedures and such
Currently feeling: tired... :P